Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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