I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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