so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
