You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
