Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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