Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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