Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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