Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
