Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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