I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize