I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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