OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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