guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
