I wanna bring you to show and tell
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
