all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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