oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
