He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
