I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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