My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
