I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
