saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
