good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
