I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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