I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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