Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
