listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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