I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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