I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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