i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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