are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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