she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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