I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
