u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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