Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
