I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
