There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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