lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
