I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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