im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize