Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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