All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She needs sedatives and a leash
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
