My first STD was from a foam party
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
