he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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