I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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