So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize