I'm lost and stupid without you.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
