I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
