i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
