I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
