toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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