i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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