And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
