I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
