So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
