There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
